Kaal

Kaal -- Doom

MAIN CAST:
John Abraham -- Krish
Esha Deol -- Riya
Ajay Devgan -- Kali
Lara Dutta -- Ishika
Vivek Oberoi -- Dev

BRIEF PLOT OVERVIEW:
Bratty Dev is driving through the woods with his girlfriend Ishika and a few of his friends when he hits a black cat. The superstitious Ishika insists that this is a bad omen, but Dev firmly disagrees, even when his brand new car breaks down in the middle of nowhere. An unusual man named Bagga offers to take the kids to a wildlife reserve called Orbit, and Dev's friend Sajid insists they go for an "adventure." The kids' open disrespect for nature and the laws of the jungle* stands in stark contrast to the reverence naturalist Krish and his wife Riya have for the jungle. The two groups eventually meet up and, with the help of a mysterious guide named Kali, try to escape from the dangerous jungle.

FILM -- 1.5/5
Do me a favor, Soham, and get out of the business. You cannot direct for crap, and your writing skills aren't much better. Alright, so Kaal had a few good parts to it, and there were some scenes that were tense and made me jump a little bit. But most of that was due to lighting, special effects, and music...basically, nothing that has to do with your script or your obsession with filming random scenes in slow motion. And since you're in charge, why don't you take the choreographer off to the same remote island you're heading towards? This is one of the few movies I can honestly say features some of the worst choreography I have ever seen, and I am easily impressed when it comes to dancing. The dancers really put their hearts and souls in to it, which helps some, but not much. Taal still probably wins in terms of ridiculous product placement, but replace that "T" with a "K," and you get the film with the second most blatant product placement. All that aside, Kaal does have its bright moments. The background music and (admittedly very blue) lighting are, as previously mentioned, adequate throughout most of the film, and I give mad props to the costumers and make-up arists who helped make the stars pleasing to my lustful eyes. Okay, wearing leather vests in the jungle isn't practical, but Esha Deol knows how to rock them! The scenery is pretty, too, and you get to see a lot of really gorgeous wildlife. The special effects are okay, but thanks to the poor editing and some bad camera angles, the tigers we see from afar is obviously real, and the tigers we see in close proximity to the actors obviously have glass eyes.

CHARACTERS -- 1/5
Characterization? Who needs characterization when you've got actors running around half-naked as often as possible? John Abraham set himself up for an "insta-fail" in my book when he agreed to roll around with a gigantic snake in some hay (shirtless, of course,) while he panted and wheezed like the rubber monstrosity was actually putting up a fight. I don't get why people say Esha Deol is awful, because she's much more attractive and a better actress than her half-brothers, but the same rules apply to her that apply to John Abraham. Running after a huge snake in a crop top, miniskirt and ugg boots, your hair and make-up done up to perfection, earns you an insta-fail. Lara Dutta is pretty, but a bit on the wooden side. And to be quite honest, I don't get the appeal of Vivek Oberoi. He's not attractive or charismatic, and his acting is as bad as Zayed Khan's, but without the latter's potential for improvement. The only real performance in this movie comes from Ajay Devgan, who I will never find physically appealing, but will always love as an actor. The man can play just about any hero, villain, or character part with an incredible amount of ease, and his interpretation of Kali is one of the few things that kept me interested in this movie. In typical horror film style, the supporting cast was picked with little consideration as to how well they'd mesh in the film, and they're all pretty bland and stiff. Shahrukh Khan and Malaika Arora appear in the titular item number, and my total comment is: if you don't find those two sexy right now, watch their gleaming, leather-clad figures in Kaal and see if it changes your mind. The choreography may suck, but their soaking wet bodies don't.

SOUNDTRACK -- 2/5
The title song opens up the film with pounds of gold pleather and leopard print, and while I know club scenes are generally eye-rollingly ridiculous, I have to admit that I secretly love this song. The steady beat and thumping Latino rhythms compliment the blatant T & A in "Kaal," although I don't think the vocalists quite match the actors they were picturized on. (Then again, I tend to get annoyed when Udit Narayan sings for anyone other than Shahrukh Khan, so that's not really an objective opinion.) A lot of the background music is really incredible and tends to utilize primal beats and drums. I especially love the music that plays during Kali's entrance.

OVERALL -- 1/5
I went in to Kaal with low expectations, and after the opening song, my expectations dropped even lower. Like most modern horror movies from the west, Kaal wants to be all about the adrenaline, which comes from two main sources: fear and sexual desires. American horror writers have acknowledged that that is why sex scenes often appear in horror films. (Have you ever noticed that smokers in smoking-allowed theaters always take out a cigarette after a particularly gruesome death?) Unfortunately, Kaal fails to match up. We all know the amount of naked flesh being shown is completely gratuitous, but the film makers didn't even TRY to disguise it when some sort of plot element, and beyond a few scenes that made me jump with surprise, I wasn't scared at all. Maybe survival horror games have spoiled me with their ability to freak me out psychologically for days on end, but brief moments of shock aren't enough for me to label a horror film "scary." If you want some Indian T&A, or you're an SRK fan like me and just want to watch his leather-clad arse in the unrelated opening scene, buy or rent a cheap copy of Kaal. Otherwise, give this flick a pass.

TOTAL SCORE -- 5.5/20 (very bad)




* I totally just flashed to the Jungle Book, which I've read a thousand times.